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i love her all the time

1. IL is officially homeless until she leaves for Cleveland. She's currently subletting from a friend in the TL. She spent a few nights with me here in secret motel. I was really nervous about her coming here. I haven't had a guest in ages. But she seemed pretty comfortable. She made a nest of blankets and pillows on the floor. I poured drinks for us and played records. "You're one of the few male friends I trust completely," she said. Her trust means a lot to me. I do not want to fuck it up.

2. I had been drinking myself toward bedtime, one night, when she called. She had been out drinking with friends. She was alone and was scared to be alone. She asked if she could come to my place. She was a hot, beautiful mess when she arrived. "Don't let them find me, Harold," she said. It was 57 degrees outside. She wore nothing but a flannel shirt and cut-off shorts. She went into my bathroom and vomited. When she came out, she removed her shirt and fell onto my bed. "Don't let them find me." I sat beside her and rubbed her back, fingered her bra straps. "My feet are cold." I gave her a pair of socks to wear. I helped her put them on. I massaged her feet and bare legs. I fell asleep next to her, my arm around her. This is about as non-platonic as things got between us.

3. We woke up early, after one of our sleep-overs, on a Saturday morning. There's this breakfast place on Haight Street that usually has a line outside the door. But, when we went, there was only a handful of customers. It was the first time that I actually went inside. I sat across from IL as we drank coffee and ate breakfast. I felt an incredible sense of peace and well-being. It reminded me of when I first met R. and spent a weekend with her in Lafayette.

4. I value that sense of peace and well-being over anything. I want to sustain it and maintain it. So bad.

5. I doubt we will ever be more than friends. But, nonetheless, I want to be where she is. She said she would be thrilled if I followed her to Cleveland. I looked at rental listings and was really impressed with what I saw. If only I could transfer my job situation. I have no marketable skills, talent, or knowledge. But maybe I could still get along in Cleveland. Because, once IL is gone, I don't want to go back to the way I was before I met her.

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