1. Sometimes I wake up in tears. Dead loved ones visit me in dreams. My father a week ago. A dog I grew up with appeared in a nap I had, yesterday. Sometimes it's just me wandering the old neighborhood at 3 in the morning.
2. I'm going to visit my mother, next week, to celebrate her 80th birthday. I've noticed a slowing, a fading, in recent years. I wonder how I will change, when she is gone. Maybe I will finally leave California.
3. Today I successfully resisted another urge to contact IL. I haven't had any communication with her since last spring. Every time I think about reaching out to her, a voice in my head says, "Just leave her alone. She's busy. She's trying to support herself and her kid. She's probably with some dude. She doesn't want to hear about you or your dumb records."
4. I rise early on weekend mornings. I swoon for the beautiful lady who works in the cafe. She is too young and too beautiful for me. They all know me as a familiar stranger. Hot coffee and out the door. Every week. I walk slowly up the hill. Walking up into a blue sky. I envy that clear and peaceful sky. That's what I want to be when I go. Some day.