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no peace for the living

I had a busy day at work. It's nice to be too busy to think about the things I shouldn't think about. But it all catches up with me when I leave the office. I've been procrastinating on following up on apartment leads. I'm always disappointed. I always feel like such an outsider when I explore a new city, a new neighborhood. I still feel like an outsider in my present neighborhood. It's just that I've been here long enough that I don't feel so conspicuous. An invisible outsider. I don't feel at home anywhere in this world.

I talked with R., earlier this evening. She told me she is pregnant. I congratulated her. I think I succeeded in sounding happy and excited for her. I feel bad that a part of me feels bad, certain that the distance between us will increase.

I want everything out of my head.

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