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close it all down and motherfuck this world

"I'm having trouble with memory," I told a co-worker. "There are so many holes in my head. Sometimes things leak out."

My ears keep plugging up. And I felt dizzy, after lunch today. Going about my business around the office while fearing I might fall down. The body wages war against a receding mind. Both seek to humiliate me.

An Asian woman sat beside me on the train. Her hair made me high with the smell of shampoo and tropical showers. I leaned just a little until our arms touched. Because I crave and savor every subtle contact. I took a deep breath, as if I could inhale the clothes from her body. My tongue dreams of every brown inch of her skin. Looking up at a planet I will never have the means to visit.

I don't have a lot of time left. I warm my hands over the dying light of old manuscripts. I can't find a reason anymore. This life hands me a shovel and implores me to have the good decency to bury all these dreams that have died at my feet. I am so embarrassed. I dig two holes. One for my dreams. And one for myself.

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