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the clouds really make the mountains

Back from my Utah trip. I don't understand anything or anyone.

1. I still don't like airplanes or airports. The national security apparatus. I'm not worried about a plane crash. I know and understand statistics. I just dislike being canned with other people, the dissolution of personal space. Recycled air. I don't know how people can eat food on an airliner. It's like eating on a city bus. I have zero appetite when I travel.

2. R. and her husband, B., picked me up at the airport. I was looking forward to a hug. But R. did not get out and hug me. I climbed into the back seat. We drove.

3. R. and B. just moved into a big house thirty miles south of SLC a month ago. They have all these nice guest rooms, with a separate bathroom, in the basement. I was very impressed and happy for them.

4. I discovered that R. and I seem to have more of a rapport over the phone than we do in person. B. was with us most of the time. R. was very affectionate toward him. I felt like that third wheel. I couldn't understand why it was so important to R. for me to visit.

5. The three of us out driving. I was always in the backseat, behind R. I stared at her face in her passenger-side mirror. That beautiful face that made me ache.

6. We spent Saturday in downtown SLC. We went to a organ recital at the Temple Square Conference Center, then visited some of the older temples in the Square. Then we looked around an antiquarian bookstore I had looked up before my visit.

7. We were in the living room. R. was in a pair of shorts. I watched her rub moisturizing cream into her beautiful bare legs and feet. I wanted to do it for her. I wanted to pass out and die.

More of this later.

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