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before i sleep

1. My father appeared in a dream last night. He's been showing up every two or three weeks. I wake up and break down. I wipe my eyes and record each dream on paper.

2. I'm staying in secret motel for Christmas and New Year's. I thought about going to my mother's, but I am still recovering from my Thanksgiving visit. She has nothing good to say about my father or anyone else, here or departed, in our family. I imagine she says negative things about me, too. I took her out to a restaurant the day after Thanksgiving. She gave me grief for ordering a beer with my dinner. "Just let me enjoy myself a little bit, will ya?" I told her. I don't understand how anyone is expected to spend significant time with her and remain cold sober.

3. I keep putting off visits to R. in Utah. Maybe this spring. She wants me to stay at their house. But I am an awkward house guest. I think it would be fun to stay at a really nice hotel in SLC. I just hate the idea of flying anywhere and having to deal with the American security apparatus. I should just swallow the discomfort and go. It would be so nice to see her again. She is the brightest distant light in my life.

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