1. I'm tired of feeling horrible every second of my life. And now my dreams grow more oppressive and upsetting. Sleep is no longer an escape. I raise my hand and ask that I please be excused from the Universe.
2. My mother's birthday is this Saturday. And mine is Sunday. My birthday, this year, is one of those big ones. I wouldn't feel bad about turning ****ty if I had accomplished something at this point in my life. But I have nothing to show for my time but killed and wasted time. Anway, she called me, this evening, to find out if I planned to visit for the weekend. I told her I thought it best that I delay my visit for another week or two, as I may have to work late Friday night and that there is also a big storm coming through the region this weekend and that I hate driving on the freeways in all that rain. She sounded disappointed. What was left of my heart broke into even smaller pieces. I didn't go out there for Christmas, either. I am a horrible son. But, as horrible as I am, I am still better than my cunt sisters. I have spent more birthdays and holidays with our mother than both of those cunts put together.
3. The last I heard from my father, he was in the VA hospital for an extended stay. His wife told me that he has lost a lot of weight and has no appetite. And something about his medication is making him confused and affecting his memory. I called him a couple weeks ago. Our conversation was brief and awkward. He answered my questions with a simple "yes" or "no". His condition has really deteriorated in the past twelve months. I dread everything that is coming.
4. I visited Safeway after work. A pretty, Asian lady made eye contact with me as I walked up the cereal aisle. "Can I ask you something?" she said.
"Okay," I said, fearing she might want me to sign some sort of dumb political petition. But she didn't have a clipboard. I'm pretty good at spotting people with clipboards and steering clear of them.
"You're taller than I am. And your arms are longer..." She merely wanted help getting a box from one of the higher shelves. There were only two remaining boxes of the cereal she wanted and they were at the very back of the shelf. I never realized until today the depth of Safeway's shelves. I reached in and failed to reach the box. I adjusted my bag and tried again.
"Wow, that thing's way back there."
"It's okay if you can't reach it."
But I was determined to get that goddamn box of cereal for her. I grabbed another box that was close to me and was able to use it as an extension and reach over and tip the desired box of cereal so that it fell toward me. I was then able to grasp it with my fingertips and slide it within reach.
"Thank you so much!"
That was probably a clear opening for me to ask her her name and maybe have some sort of conversation--but that didn't really occur to me until many minutes later after we parted.
5. I had time to get coffee before going into work this morning. I walked very slowly along the wharf, drinking my coffee, enjoying the cold air and the sunlight. I felt at peace for a while. The reptiles in my head must have gone to sleep. For a while. I'd like to have more moments like that. And somehow make them last longer.